When you get tired of working minimum wage down at that greasy burger joint handling pans, consider working for more than average wage down on the local stoplight panhandling. This could be a touchy subject. Out of work, have two kinds of cancer, lost my left testicle in the war. All of these pleas written on tiny cardboard signs pull at your heart-strings, urging you to give a buck or two, or even a few cents.
Of course, when the panhandler is wearing Jordans, the cat is out of the bag. They say that up to 70% of the people on the street that are panhandling are not really in the situations that they say they are, and they can make as much as $50 bucks an hour. They go on to suggest giving to charities or soup kitchens rather than risking giving money to fakes, so follow my advice and hope others don’t follow their’s. This is a big slice o’ pie that you could be mining! Or, a big mine that you could be eating.
The essentials to start are slim: a piece of cardboard (try to find the most raggedy piece you can find), a marker, some raggedy clothes, and a bottle of water. This is all to be included in my Jared’s Panhandling Franchise-Made-Easy Kit, soon available at your favorite local panhandling supply store. If you get the Rags-to-Riches Edition, I’ll include a 100% wool stocking cap, available in Freeloader Fuchsia or Bluffing Bum Beige. In some places, you will also have to apply for a panhandling license. In order to do so, you might have to prove you are homeless. You can do this easily by telling them you don’t have a permanent address. Other places that require a license also require you to have a permanent address. In this case, tell them that that is the dumbest thing you have ever heard and leave in a huff. Once you do procure the license, if you have to, make sure you follow the rules or else there is a slight chance of being jailed. Then, find a busy traffic corner or sidewalk and sit and wait. If you are good at acting, pretend like you are crying or something. I’ve found that people are more sympathetic if you are not wearing shoes or have a deformity, real or made up. Don’t go out and chop off your arm, but if you want to tape a mammary for the ‘breast cancer’ look, be my guest.
Alan Abel, a famous hoaxster, once started a hoax that there was a school to educate people on how to become beggars called Omar’s School for Beggars. It was a satire on the economy’s downturn at the time. If he ever stopped making money hoaxing, getting a job would be a real chore. “Why did I leave my last job? Everything I was involved with turned out to be a hoax.” Anyway, he wasn’t too far off of the mark when it comes to begging. There is actually money to be had panhandling!
Also, you don’t have to let the neighbor’s know. Get a nice suit, go out to your car at 7:00 a.m. every morning to get ahead of the morning rush, change in the car, beg for a couple of hours, and come home. If they ask, just say you work for H&R Block, and “there’s not much to do until April”. That way you can get the cash without tainting your reputation.
Also, please, don’t use a sign that says “Need money for alcohol, drugs, and hookers. Hey, at least I’m being honest.” That’s just tacky.
