Posts Tagged ‘tips’

Cheapen Your Hobbies

Thursday, March 19th, 2009
Actually, I collect money, which you will be able to help with that once I get my "Donate to Paypal" tag up.

Actually, I collect money, which you will be able to help with that once I get my "Donate to Paypal" tag up.

“Everbody’s gotta have a hobby.” It isn’t true. But, if you already have been pulled into the trap of fishing, knitting, or even the trap of trapping, you know how expensive you can get. Fishing is a great example. It used to be you get a stick off the ol’ oak tree and some fishing line from your momma’s ol’ used floss and a lure from your momma’s ol’ heirloom drawer and go down to the ol’ fishing hole and fish ’til you get something or until some girls show up. Then, throw mud at/skinny dip with the girls, depending on your age.

Well, no longer. It’s all about using the right lure with the right pole and in the right spot to get that trophy bass or a Macropinna microstoma (also known as Barreleyes). What ever happened to just enjoying the afternoon and perhaps a cold adult beverage, again, depending on your age? Things are getting pretty ridiculous, I mean, a one million dollar lure? It’s just a publicity stunt, you would think, but the company MacDaddy has sold seven of them so far. With a name like MacDaddy, though, how could you blame them for creating a diamond-encrusted jewel of a lure?

C'mon, to Alice Cooper's "Billion Dollar Babies", sing it..."Million...dollar lu-ure!"

C'mon, to Alice Cooper's "Billion Dollar Babies", sing it..."Million...dollar lu-ure!"

Buying diamond lures are really not the way to live largely on the cheap, unless you buy a knock-off, so what is a fisherman to do? Go back to using that stick and floss, of course. Now, your fishing buddies might laugh, but here’s the way to maintain your ultimate fisher status: “I’m doing this as an experiment for an article in Field & Stream.” There you go, you look even more like a guru than before. Follow that example with any hobby you have, and you’ll be well on your way to living largely on the cheap.

Of course, there is even a better way to keep an interesting hobby while actually making money off of it. Sweepstaking. What a great way to use your time to enter contests to win stuff. I mean, c’mon, if your going to have a hobby, why not make money at it? Besides, if you don’t want people to know that you are stretching your dollars, this is a hobby you can hide easily (unlike most drug addictions).

Speaking of drug addictions, let me talk about those for a moment. They do not make good hobbies. They are illegal. They cost a lot. They take up much of your time. Plus, the little green men always tend to be ‘out to get you’.

There are many, many other hobbies out there that probably cost less than the one you are involved with now. Spam sculpting, extreme ironing, collecting other people’s underwear. Start-up costs for these are fairly low. Lawyer fees could run high, though, for that last one.

The main point I have been trying to make here is that just because you have a hobby, doesn’t mean it has to be expensive. And just because it isn’t expensive, doesn’t mean you have to look bad doing it. Keep a balance between those, and you already are a hero in my eyes.

My barreleyes. (That fish is so weird!)

Rush to Start a Sorority or Fraternity

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009
This is actually the fraternity crest.

This is actually the fraternity crest.

Look, it is brilliant. During ‘rush’ week at a local college, go set up your own tent to try to get people to join your ‘frat’ or ’sorority’. Once they have joined up (the fraternity that I started is called Alpha Beta Soup), you can start charging dues and a process that is like hazing, but you don’t call it hazing so you won’t get in trouble with the police.

You really don’t have to be in a college or university to start one of these things. Really, anyone can do it. If you feel strange about trying to get kids half your age to join, start an office fraternity. That is something I just made up, but is sounds great. You could all even live together and have fun events after office hours.

The main reason why you would want to try this, of course, is to get the money that the dues provide. I would say $400 a semester would be a decent start, more if you provide housing. You tell the ‘pledges’ this money is going to great activities. If you are in an office setting, $50 every paycheck would probably be sufficient. Unless you work for AIG, those bailout junkies can afford at least a grand a paycheck. Once you get enough people to join, you probably could even stop working. There is some frankly (tongue firmly in cheek) fantastic advice out there for keeping a great frat or sorority going, so I won’t get into that too much.

Besides getting people to pledge to your Greek organization, once you have some members, they will probably expect to be housed somewhere. If you don’t want to get into this, you can just say that the house is “under construction” and it will take at least 5 years to complete, then hand them a tent to pitch. If they give you a rough time about it, scold them for holding up brotherly or sisterly bonding.

The main priorities of frats and sororities are drinking, hazing, and promiscuous interpersonal relations. Well, even if that isn’t the main priority of most real Greeks, it could be for yours. Make sure there is plenty of alcohol on hand at all times for said activities. However, as you are in this venture to look good and save money, tell the ‘littles’ to pay for it as ‘initiation rites’. Remember, these new members have no idea how your organization runs, so you can make up whatever you want as you go along. Half of the fun of starting an organization such as this is creating slogans and t-shirts. Here is the slogan that I ran on Alpha Beta Soup’s most recent rush shirts:

Mm Mm Good! Get a taste of the good life: Alpha Beta Soup

Catchy and mouthwatering, no?

But, why stop there? There are many opportunities to make even more money by selling all that cheesy merchandise that Greeks have. License plates, shirts, bobble heads of the President (you).

I especially think a branded paddle is essential to any Greek organization.

Cash In On Your Cowlick

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Because it is St. Patrick’s Day, I decided to talk about contributing to the profession of one of Obama’s Irish ancestors. By that, of course, I mean wigmakers! Now, I don’t expect you to go pick up the art of wigmaking, that would cost in the thousand dollar range, what I do expect you to do is to get some extra dough for selling your real live hair. I mean, follicles are all the rage! And, it is pretty darn lucrative, especially if you are dead and famous (interestingly, a large demographic among blog readers). To give you an idea, Confederate general J.E.B. Stuart’s lock of hair was sold for $44,812, and a lock of President Abraham Lincoln’s hair sold for $21,510. Using a simple method of supply and demand, either Honest Abe had a lot of hair and J.E.B. Stuart was practically bald, or we have some really weird values in this country.

We have weird values. Che Guevara, a socialist revolutionary, had a lock of his hair cut off that sold for $100,000. It was bought by a 61 year old Texan book-store owner. A good demographic to go for when selling your hair.

However, and this is new to me, you don’t have to be semi-famous or even dead to get some cash from your cowlick. There are sites out there whose sole purpose is to help people sell their strands. I especially like the descriptions, which could be construed at first as advertising for something other than hair: “13 to 14 inch thick, strong, black, beautiful…hair”. I won’t even get into the ads that talk about girth. I kid you not. Some even go as far as to describe their hair as “virgin”, which in hair-selling speak, means untouched by chemicals and the like.

You may be asking yourself where all this hair is going. Are there some really wacky people out there that want to make human hair Afghans? Probably, but most of this hair is going into wigs; apparently we could land on the moon forty years ago but we haven’t found out how to make decent fake hair. It can’t be from a lack of trying, with real people’s hair going for up to $2600. With that kind of dinero, you’d think they’d be pouring money into fake hair research, or at least hair growing research.

It doesn’t stop there, either. People are selling DVD’s of their hair being cut for upwards of $30 a piece. Who wants a video of that? “Hey hon, c’mere, I got a great video today, let’s watch.” These are the sorts fo things that cause divorce. However, as strange and creepy as this hair-selling business can get, I still can’t condone it.

Why? Because of my loyal blog readers. You need money, and you need to look good. Let your hair grow out for a few years, don’t use harsh chemicals on it, sell it for thousands of dollars, and then tell everyone you donated it to Locks of Love.

If you have a conscience, you could always actually donate your hair to that great organization. There’s always the DVD sales.

Used Car Time II

Monday, March 16th, 2009

As promised, here is just a short list of great vehicles for those living largely on the cheap, why they are just so cool, and about how much you would have to shell out for them:

This one is crappy, but that's how you get things cheap.

This one is crappy, but that's how you get things cheap.

1960’s or 70’s Volkswagen

Any old Volkswagen will do. The Beetle, the Bus, a Type 3. Whatever suits your fancy. They are simple, somewhat reliable machines that are no longer just for the hippie crowd. When you are tooling around in one of these, no one has any clue how much money you make. If you had a billion dollars, you still might own a Volkswagen. Heck, Tim Allen just picked up a couple of these.  The late Paul Newman owned a Volkswagen, and his salad dressing rocked. Only the New Beetles are chick cars (and if you are a chick, then this would be an acceptable choice), the older models are for either gender.

Price: They range from $750 for a fixer upper, about $2,000 for a good runner, or $10,000 for a show-worthy vehicle, all depending on the rarity of the model and the year.

If you put your nose right up to the screen, you can smell crepe.
If you put your nose right up to the screen, you can smell crepe.

1986 Citroen CX GTI

Or really any other Citroen will do, they are all cool. The older the better. Here’s what is going on- the French have never really done anything right, but that is what makes a Citroen so cool. They are chic enough to actually have a baguette sticking out the window, and no one will call you a surrender monkey. Besides, they are not like regular cars. It is like someone at the company said “C’est la vie” to what has proven works well. Two spokes on a steering wheel? Ha! We’ll put in only one! Spare tire in the trunk? Let’s put ours right beside the engine! And we’ll have a crazy hydraulic system for the brakes that are also used for the suspension! Viva la resistance!

Tell your friends the burning rubber smell is from excess horsepower causing constant burnouts.
Tell your friends the burning rubber smell is from excess horsepower causing constant burnouts.

Price: This one on eBay is going for about $2,000. You couldn’t get a car shipped from Europe for that price-and this one is already over here.

Now all it needs is some tint. Perhaps a Glock, as well. Just in case.

Now all it needs is some tint. Perhaps a Glock, as well. Just in case.

1995-1997 Lincoln Town Car

Again, really, any year will do before these years, but these ones happen to be my personal favorite. I mean, besides the terrible build quality, the awful gas mileage, and the handling of a three legged cow being ridden by Mr. Magoo and a sumo wrestler. Besides all that, it is my favorite Lincoln Town Car. Then again, all Lincoln Town Cars possess these qualities. However, no matter what race, color, or creed you are, if you roll down Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. in this car with some 5% tinted windows and some 24″s, the world is your oyster.

Price: And your out three grand. Plus the rims and tint, so, a couple hundred more for the tint and some stolen rims from a pawn shop. Your out four grand.

So, there are three perfectly reasonable cars to have on the cheap. You are classless with these, no one will ask how much you make. If they do and they try to make a fool out of me for telling you they won’t, just show a little grin (preferably with a dimple, if you have one) and nod toward the car. Repeat as needed.

Used Car Time

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

You make enough money to buy a new car. The payment is, what, three, four hundred a month? That’s not bad, you can afford that.

Whoa nelly! If you are thinking I’m leading you to buy a new car or keep the car you have with it’s payments, you are reading the completely wrong blog. You can afford it…but why try? Here you are, turning your ketchup bottles upside down for a month to get that last little bit, and you have a car payment?

Some simple math to put it in perspective:

$300 a month, every month, every year, until your 70, from when your 20.

By your 70th birthday (Congratulations, baldy!) you will have spent $300,000. And face it, in fifty years, due to inflation, $300 isn’t going to buy jack crap when it comes to cars. However, LLotC isn’t about living frugally, it is about living the high life without anyone knowing you aren’t spending that much.

So, you still want a bangin’ car, right? Here’s an idea. Get an awesome car new and drive the wheels off of it. This guy has a 1966 Volvo P1800 that has 2.6 million miles on it, and he is still tooling around in it. I can guess that he dislikes car payments. For giggles, I figured out that if you bought a new one for $3,970 and stretched the payments out from 1966 to 2009 (at 0%, because of your assumed excellent credit), you would be paying roughly $7.69 a month.

I’ll let that sink in. For less than your Netflix bill, for less than a bi-weekly meal at McDonald’s, for less than your damn monthly dog food allowance, you could be cruising around in your own classic car. Of course, you have to wait a long time in order for your new car to become a classic. You would have to endure those strange ‘between years’ when your car is too old to be new and too young to be classic, and everyone thinks you shop at the local Thriftko. The fact that you actually do shop at the local Thriftko has nothing to do with it.

Besides, do you really want to death-to-us-part with a car? What happens if the next year’s model gets two mpg’s better on the highway, or even, gasp, a soda-can Chill Zone? You’ll be left out in the cold (and your pop will be left inside in the warm) with your silly previous-year model. Or, even, what happens when the new lithium-powered hybrid-turbo’d diesel hydrogen heli-cars come out, and your stuck circling the city trying to find a Exxon-Mobil station without tree-hugging hippies out front protesting the last of the dead-dino sipping cars that are left on our sorry piece of planet?

This leads me to my next thought, and the one I adhere to religiously. Be sensible, try and find that car that apexes on quality, amount of miles, versatility, frugality, age, and because you are living largely, awesomeness. Example A, I have a 1996 Dodge Neon that had 108,000 miles on it when I scooped it up for $850 out the door. That has great value, but it is lacking in the awesomeness factor. So, I slapped on the AWD sign. While it will never be as cool as a new Lamborghini (which, strangly, doesn’t need a freakin’ “Chill Zone” to be desirable), I do try to keep it clean.

There are many more options out there if you are really looking to up the ante on the “awesomeness” factor. I will be telling them to you tomorrow on this two-part series.

Until then, I guess you could always walk.