Posts Tagged ‘stupid’

Cash in on Global Warming

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
Check out this trendy little eco-friendly ride. Stuff like this is going to save our planet! Found at www.tirekick.com.

Check out this trendy little eco-friendly ride. Stuff like this is going to save our planet! Found at www.tirekick.com.

Do it before it is too late! No matter where you stand on the global warming debate, you have to admit, it is always a good idea to make money. And, it may just as well end up that certain industries stand to develop and expand a great deal due to the scary predictions of some scientists.

Although I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, here is a typical children’s fairy tale story about global warming that replaces real concerns, people, and events with cute little analogies; and also includes a strong moral in hopes that the children will do better than the writer’s generation when they are older:

Once, there was a group of…ummm…duckies. These cute, soft, little yellow duckies wanted to live comfortably; so they cranked their thermostats, drove their cars without any catalytic converters, and burned coal with abandon. Eventually, some smart, er, scientist owls with big ol’ glasses told them that the earth was in danger of warming too much because they used plastic bags at the grocery store instead of paying for the fabric bags; and they were not using a cap-and-trade system that effectively work as additional taxes for the government, so no one had any incentive to stop harming the poor planet. Then, everyone, including the smart scientist owls with the big ol’ glasses, died because the ocean got too full and they drowned. The end.

Catch the moral? It was: if you don’t get in on the game of making money on global warming early enough, you will die before you are rich. While it is unlikely that you are going to sell fabric bags or start you own cap-and-trade system, there are still some things you can do.

Obviously, you sell stuff that is “environmentally friendly”. For example, if you can get people to buy battery acid, that would be environmentally friendly because it wouldn’t be going into the ground; it will be in people’s homes. The trick, I guess, is creating a product that people would actually want to buy with the added twist of it being good for the environment. It doesn’t matter if it actually is good for the environment, really, just that it is less harmful, or appears to be less harmful. People will pay a lot of money to look like they are saving the environment, and I encourage you to exploit that.

Here is such a great example, it makes me feel all fuzzy. You could buy a Lexus LS 460 L or a Lexus LS 600h L, if you had a lot of money. They are the same car inside and out, but the second example is a hybrid car with a gigantic battery that takes up half of the trunk and gets you 6 mpg better in the city. What is the price difference? With the same features, it is $21,333. That is one expensive battery. You sure are paying a lot for your trunk space to be halved. Now, don’t poo poo too much, those people are saving the environment! Sure, the hybrid version still only gets 20 mpg in the city, but it is so much better than what the non-hybrid gets. Never mind that you could get a regular old Toyota Corolla and still get 30 mpg, or better yet, a bicycle that gets infinity mpg. You are making a statement! And that statement would take 31 years to make up the initial cost difference in gas savings.

Now, all you have to do (the “you” I was referring to when I was talking about the car is some reader other than you), is come up with your own little eco-friendly product or idea and sell it to the masses. Do it before it is too late and we all die of global warming on this God-forsaken rock.

Or until the whole thing blows over and everyone realizes it is a total crock. Either way, you have to work fast.

Go Home to a Lawn Gnome

Friday, February 27th, 2009
If you follow my advice, you, too, can have a lawn as amazing as mine.

If you follow my advice, you, too, can have a lawn as amazing as mine.

Got some green grass, or do you have, perchance, a poor plot? If it is the latter, I may be of assistance. You see, great lawns facilitate great people. In order for you house to look good, and ultimately for you to look good, you have to have that patch ‘o grass out front look good. It seems like a minor point, no? However, if your lawn looks like crap compared to the neighbors, they are going to notice. And if they do notice, they will frown down upon you. And if you have a Homeowner’s Association, they will all frown down upon you, too. Lots of frowning going on; it may be good for them, but you probably don’t like getting frowned at.

In order to get a terrific terrace, you need to water it often. If you live in a climate where there is a lot of rainfall, skip to the next paragraph. Ha, suckers, I hate those people that live in climates with lots of rainfall. Anyway, if you live in a dry climate like normal people do, you will need to water it often. While this seems like a great idea at first, don’t go rushing out to grab your watering hose and let the liquid fly hap-hazardly. Wait until dusk, preferably later, when it is cool out and the water won’t evaporate as quickly. Also, in the dark, your neighbor won’t notice that you are hooking up your water hose to his outside spigot. Well, what other way are you going to do this ‘on the cheap’? Water is like liquid gold! Except, of course, that it is worth a whole lot less per ounce. And in order for gold to become liquid, it has to be at a temperature of 1947.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Which would melt the hose, undoubtedly.

Actual picture of my neighbor's spigot ready for suckling.

Actual picture of my neighbor's spigot ready for suckling.

So, you have your water. That is only one part of lawn care. Another part is feeding your lawn. To keep costs down,it could be useful to know that one study says it is okay to use your own shat on your lawn. Now, apparently, your own feces has some sort of chemical compounds or something that makes it ‘bad’ to use directly on your lawn as it might poison your children, but I think thats a bunch of baloney. Or whatever you ate that day. You put it in there, right? What comes out can’t be toxic. Which brings me to my original point…if you want to feed your lawn, don’t go buying those expensive fertilizers at Walmart (unless you are the CEO, which, by the way, I haven’t heard from yet) when you can use your own excretion. Besides, the Walmart Garden Center is a dangerous place to be.

So, now that you have fed and watered your lawn, your done, right? WRONG. No yard is complete without a ceramic lawn gnome. If you cheap out and get a plastic one, keep the neighbors at least ten feet away. Set up a caution tape perimeter if you have to, your reputation is on the line here. Don’t do something stupid like these guys, this is one purchase you can justify on the ‘ol budget. Eliminate baby formula for a week if you have to. You need a lawn gnome.

For now, keep that up and you should be fine. I might have some more tips on lawns later, but these are the basics.

Just be careful, those lawn gnomes are nasty critters.