Free free free!

Ok, so by now if you are a regular reader, you would have figured out that I like Craigslist. A lot. If gay marriage were legal, I would marry Craig and the List would be our baby. If you have been living under a wifi-less rock for the past ten years, here’s the update. www.craigslist.com is the best thing since Sonny met Cher, and here is the number one reason why:

Free stuff. Where else can you power up your internets and find a 4000 gallon fish tank for free, in your neighborhood? That’s right! Imagine the social ramifications:

“Hey, want to go out sometime?”

“No.”

“I have a 4000 gallon fish tank.”

“What?”

“I have a 50 lb. koi.”

“If you let me see your koi, can I pay for dinner?”

See! It is like having a personal social training coach (a la “Hitch”) for free. And, I have to say, “let me see your koi” holds plenty of promise for how the date is going to go. Anyway, I found that fish tank after literally seconds of searching. If you put a little bit of effort into it, you might be able to find something even better, however unlikely that may seem.

Here’s my secret methods for cruising the free section:

• Ignore curb alerts. Contrary to popular opinion, you really CAN have too many slightly dog-eared fiberboard entertainment centers.

• Mattresses that are free are not a good deal. The risk of contracting a disease through the exchange of bodily fluids far outweighs the danger of acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor.

• If the entire title is in bold, or there are more than 1 “FREE” in the title, then they are trying to dispose of something that is illegal or worth less than nothing, or both.

• Don’t get free food. See “Mattresses”; replace “acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor” with “death by starvation”.

• If you have a smallish house and little willpower, it may be a good idea to avoid the free section altogether.

• Avoid any service that is promised to be performed for free. That is more fishy than a 4000 gallon fish tank. Just…don’t.

Well, enough with what not to do. Here are some more great things I found on the free section:

Free piano!

Intellivision II non-functional gaming console without cords!

Corded phone! For free, can you believe it?!?

1 lb. of Potatoes!

Alright! I think I can set you free out in to the Craigslist “Free Section” world without worrying too much about you! By the way…I saw that free fish tank first, so back off.

I would be lying if I told you this wasn’t my lawyer. Found at www.arkansastonight.com.

If you have a lot of time on your hands, suing can be a great way to raise funds without looking like a cheap chump. I mean, all it takes is a little imagination to get a case on your hands. A word of warning, don’t sue McDonald’s because you spilled coffee on yourself or you’re obese. It has been done before, and it will only bore the judge, and any potential lawyers looking for a quick buck.

Oh, don’t be fooled. Those crazy lawyers will suck the money right out of you, but here’s the best part: they can only do so if you win a case; once you win, you and the lawyer split the profits much like a lotto pool. Since you really can’t win a case without them, lawyers are a necessary evil. They’re like taxes, or mother-in-laws, in that sense. However, if you do get a lawyer to represent your case, you know you have a shot of winning. Remember, the only reason a lawyer will get involved is if they think they can win; otherwise they won’t receive any payment and will be working for free. The laws vary state-to-state, but in the case of suing, this is a general rule among lawyers.

Ok, so, what are you going to sue for? If something honestly drastic happened to you, I doubt you would be reading this site right now; you’d be too busy preparing a case. For the people who are reading, though, you will probably either have to think back to an event that you could consider suing for, or create an event that provides the opportunity for you to sue. You can pretty much sue for anything, like I said before, just use your imagination. Some woman dropped a 6-pack of beer on her foot and, although she didn’t break anything, “it hurt”. She won the case.

You don’t neccessarily have to sue for money, if that is not important to you. I know it is the basic topic of this blog, but if you are really big on apologies, you could do like this guy did, and sue for just that. He’s sueing Dreamworks Pictures because the kung-fu panda character in the movie Kung-Fu Panda has green eyes. Which apparently give off the feeling of evil. I’m not knocking Chinese culture, but I’m not sure that is what this is all about. First of all, all the guy wants is an apology (which I think Dreamworks should give him to get him off their back), and he carries a stuffed panda around with him all the time. I’m confused if the guy is either really into pandas, a wack-job, or a five-year-old.

So, that’s basically all. Set yourself up in precarious situations, and, if you are lucky, something will fall on you. In some cases, although you are slightly more likely to lose, you can actually do something bad and sue someone else for mental anguish, which is what this gal did when she went to a haunted house at Universal Orlando (the fourth story down).

Apparently it was too scary. I’m not joking. That’s what she said. If you don’t believe me, read that story.

 As a final word, I’m planning on a lawsuit against all my readers for not telling all their friends about my blog. It’s really starting to give me some major mental anguish.

Some coupons are more morbid than others.

Everybody knows if you get the Sunday paper (or steal it from your neighbor’s porch), you can find a ton of little coupons inside it for stuff you use everyday. Well, let me tell you, those really add up. I mean, over time, if you use them consistently, and don’t mind spending hours cutting them out for 25 cents here, 40 cents there.

Well, actually, that is a thing of the past. If you know what a blog is and realize your reading one right now, you probably know you can get coupons on the internet and print them out-no Sunday paper needed. That’s not to say there isn’t other reasons why you would want to read the paper (warning, mildly crude joke). However, in all seriousness, I didn’t really realize how easy or beneficial this can be. There’s this lady out there called the “Coupon Mom” who has an entire website devoted to coupons. I mean, it doesn’t really sound like I’d want to hang out with her on a regular basis, but you can’t beat saving money. Other, frankly better, sites that rocks my socks are www.retailmenot.com and www.smartsource.com. I found this great blog that has many resources, but she mentions a 6 good places to get coupons. If you can get coupons to buy stuff you already have to get, that’s more money for other stuff (like those backed up child support payments)!

Now, as geeky as it may sound to go around clippin’ digital coupons, it actually works. Right now is about the time I’d usually inform you of some outlandish tale of someone getting more back from their coupons than they actually have spent. Well, unfortunately, all I could find was this measly middle classer saving $1000 a month with coupons. I mean, it is no free car, but you can’t sneeze at a grand. Well, I can’t, because I’m not sure I have a grand. Nor is it dusty in here.

I think the main point I am trying to make is that although coupons may only save you fractions of a dollar, fractions of a dollar add up. I would rather save money than spend it, wouldn’t you? And hey, this is something you can really hide from the neighbors. How are they ever going to find out you (gasp!) use coupons? If they do find out, however, your social life is going down in flames. Nobody wants to be friends with a ‘clipper’. So, keep it on the down-low at all costs. Shred the newspaper after your done with it, and burn the remains. Erase your hard-drive and browsing history. And darn it, make sure you wipe down your scissors with alcohol after your done using them!

This is actually the fraternity crest.

Look, it is brilliant. During ‘rush’ week at a local college, go set up your own tent to try to get people to join your ‘frat’ or ‘sorority’. Once they have joined up (the fraternity that I started is called Alpha Beta Soup), you can start charging dues and a process that is like hazing, but you don’t call it hazing so you won’t get in trouble with the police.

You really don’t have to be in a college or university to start one of these things. Really, anyone can do it. If you feel strange about trying to get kids half your age to join, start an office fraternity. That is something I just made up, but is sounds great. You could all even live together and have fun events after office hours.

The main reason why you would want to try this, of course, is to get the money that the dues provide. I would say $400 a semester would be a decent start, more if you provide housing. You tell the ‘pledges’ this money is going to great activities. If you are in an office setting, $50 every paycheck would probably be sufficient. Unless you work for AIG, those bailout junkies can afford at least a grand a paycheck. Once you get enough people to join, you probably could even stop working. There is some frankly (tongue firmly in cheek) fantastic advice out there for keeping a great frat or sorority going, so I won’t get into that too much.

Besides getting people to pledge to your Greek organization, once you have some members, they will probably expect to be housed somewhere. If you don’t want to get into this, you can just say that the house is “under construction” and it will take at least 5 years to complete, then hand them a tent to pitch. If they give you a rough time about it, scold them for holding up brotherly or sisterly bonding.

The main priorities of frats and sororities are drinking, hazing, and promiscuous interpersonal relations. Well, even if that isn’t the main priority of most real Greeks, it could be for yours. Make sure there is plenty of alcohol on hand at all times for said activities. However, as you are in this venture to look good and save money, tell the ‘littles’ to pay for it as ‘initiation rites’. Remember, these new members have no idea how your organization runs, so you can make up whatever you want as you go along. Half of the fun of starting an organization such as this is creating slogans and t-shirts. Here is the slogan that I ran on Alpha Beta Soup’s most recent rush shirts:

Mm Mm Good! Get a taste of the good life: Alpha Beta Soup

Catchy and mouthwatering, no?

But, why stop there? There are many opportunities to make even more money by selling all that cheesy merchandise that Greeks have. License plates, shirts, bobble heads of the President (you).

I especially think a branded paddle is essential to any Greek organization.

We have weird values. Che Guevara, a socialist revolutionary, had a lock of his hair cut off that sold for $100,000. It was bought by a 61 year old Texan book-store owner. A good demographic to go for when selling your hair.

However, and this is new to me, you don’t have to be semi-famous or even dead to get some cash from your cowlick. There are sites out there whose sole purpose is to help people sell their strands. I especially like the descriptions, which could be construed at first as advertising for something other than hair: “13 to 14 inch thick, strong, black, beautiful…hair”. I won’t even get into the ads that talk about girth. I kid you not. Some even go as far as to describe their hair as “virgin”, which in hair-selling speak, means untouched by chemicals and the like.

You may be asking yourself where all this hair is going. Are there some really wacky people out there that want to make human hair Afghans? Probably, but most of this hair is going into wigs; apparently we could land on the moon forty years ago but we haven’t found out how to make decent fake hair. It can’t be from a lack of trying, with real people’s hair going for up to $2600. With that kind of dinero, you’d think they’d be pouring money into fake hair research, or at least hair growing research.

It doesn’t stop there, either. People are selling DVD’s of their hair being cut for upwards of $30 a piece. Who wants a video of that? “Hey hon, c’mere, I got a great video today, let’s watch.” These are the sorts fo things that cause divorce. However, as strange and creepy as this hair-selling business can get, I still can’t condone it.

Why? Because of my loyal blog readers. You need money, and you need to look good. Let your hair grow out for a few years, don’t use harsh chemicals on it, sell it for thousands of dollars, and then tell everyone you donated it to Locks of Love.

If you have a conscience, you could always actually donate your hair to that great organization. There’s always the DVD sales.

That’s right, break out your own bucket and butter up that Buick yourself. It really is a good idea in the long run, although the initial cost might be somewhat steep. Especially if you want to start your own commercial car wash, which would cost about $400,000 to make or more. So, I guess, just make do with your own hands for now.

Bucket, $1.50, wash, $5.00, a couple of wash mitts, $6.00, some wax, $3.00,  a hose, $8.00, a nozzle, $2.00, some application pads and microfiber cloths for your wax, $5.00, some windex, $2.00, some paper towels, $1.00, and that ought to do it for now. So, $33.50. That’s a nasty blow to the old bank account, right? But watch, watch what I’m going to do now.

Ok, so, you can do about 128 washes out of a gallon of Turtle Wax according to their bottle. So, $33.50 divided by about 128, well, lets add a little more because you’ll be using your water, and face it, those mitts and that wax ain’t gonna last forever. $100, even, let’s say. Divided by 128 washes, that’s less than a buck a wash.

Whooo! Now, all you have to do is actually spend the half-an-hour to wash your car. You have a couple of options, you could tell the neighbors that you ‘enjoy the outdoors, it’s a nice change from being stuck inside counting money all day’, or you could dress up as a illegal alien that was paid to wash your car. I think there are enough sites out there that actually go through the step-by-step process of washing your car, so I’ll let you look that up on your own time.

What I will tell you is, as soon as your done getting your car washed, you can buck up the 75 cents and go to a commercial car wash to get it vacuumed. I mean, I don’t expect you to invest in a Shop-Vac as well. However, don’t use the vacuum there to do any indecent acts. I mean, I thought I wouldn’t have to say that, but that guy apparently proved otherwise.

After your car is all nice and pretty, I guess all you have to do is roll up on the nearest club.

Sam’s Club.

I’ll give you an example. Let’s say you have the trots. It sounds worse than liver disease. Well, according to some New Guinea doctor, you just get your Coke, let it sit at room temperature opened until it goes flat, and then drink it every hour on the hour. Your trots will disappear in no time. I personally have never had the trots, and so I haven’t had the pleasure of using this great idea. However, I don’t see the point of letting it sit out until it is flat and warm. Does the carbon dioxide get in the way of the healing process? Does the temperature make a difference? Is there some sort of helpful bacteria that gets into the pop and clears out your system? I’m just going to leave it to them, as their average life expectancy is 65 years old and their infant mortality rate is 48/1000, I’m guessing they sure do know a bunch about modern medicine.

Apparently the substance that makes Coke able to perform all these amazing miracles is phosphoric acid, which has a pH of 2.8. That makes it slightly acidic, which is what dissolves pretty much anything and therefore is good for cleaning in general. There are various remarks regarding the usefulness of Coke in household cleaning and otherwise, the more unusual include using it as a tanning lotion and a way to make surfaces more sticky for actors to dance on. Of course, I doubt, as a LLotC frequent reader, you would want to spend a buck on some Coke just to tan with it (lard is a cheaper alternative, even cheaper yet, just sit out in the sun and ignore the cancer). In fact, I seriously doubt if you put any of this to use you will be using brand-name Coke, you might use Bubba Cola or something along those lines.

So, using either Coke or Bubba Cola might be cheaper than a product that has a specific purpose, and quite possibly will do the same job. This will definitely save you some money, but if might appear strange that you are keeping such products under your sink. If your guests ask why you are pouring them drinks, and then cleaning the counter with the same thing, slyly joke that they can guess whether you are using Coke to clean counters or giving them cleaner to drink. Hopefully your friends can take such a joke. If you are giving them Mr. Clean to drink for real, though, hopefully you have a great deal of arable land and a sturdy shovel.

Kidding! All you need is a good lawyer. Hopefully one with a doctorate.

I know of a Dr. Pepper you can get a hold of.