Free free free!

Ok, so by now if you are a regular reader, you would have figured out that I like Craigslist. A lot. If gay marriage were legal, I would marry Craig and the List would be our baby. If you have been living under a wifi-less rock for the past ten years, here’s the update. www.craigslist.com is the best thing since Sonny met Cher, and here is the number one reason why:

Free stuff. Where else can you power up your internets and find a 4000 gallon fish tank for free, in your neighborhood? That’s right! Imagine the social ramifications:

“Hey, want to go out sometime?”

“No.”

“I have a 4000 gallon fish tank.”

“What?”

“I have a 50 lb. koi.”

“If you let me see your koi, can I pay for dinner?”

See! It is like having a personal social training coach (a la “Hitch”) for free. And, I have to say, “let me see your koi” holds plenty of promise for how the date is going to go. Anyway, I found that fish tank after literally seconds of searching. If you put a little bit of effort into it, you might be able to find something even better, however unlikely that may seem.

Here’s my secret methods for cruising the free section:

• Ignore curb alerts. Contrary to popular opinion, you really CAN have too many slightly dog-eared fiberboard entertainment centers.

• Mattresses that are free are not a good deal. The risk of contracting a disease through the exchange of bodily fluids far outweighs the danger of acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor.

• If the entire title is in bold, or there are more than 1 “FREE” in the title, then they are trying to dispose of something that is illegal or worth less than nothing, or both.

• Don’t get free food. See “Mattresses”; replace “acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor” with “death by starvation”.

• If you have a smallish house and little willpower, it may be a good idea to avoid the free section altogether.

• Avoid any service that is promised to be performed for free. That is more fishy than a 4000 gallon fish tank. Just…don’t.

Well, enough with what not to do. Here are some more great things I found on the free section:

Free piano!

Intellivision II non-functional gaming console without cords!

Corded phone! For free, can you believe it?!?

1 lb. of Potatoes!

Alright! I think I can set you free out in to the Craigslist “Free Section” world without worrying too much about you! By the way…I saw that free fish tank first, so back off.

 

To buy or not to buy? That is the question!

Um. For $22,000, $9,000 more than Toyota’s entry-level Yaris, you get 22 more mpg in the city and 12 more on the highway. That is a lot better gas mileage, for sure. After the average 200,000 miles the cars will survive,  you will have used about 2,113 more gallons of fuel in the Yaris.

If I were a pirate, I would by the Yaris for the name. The YAAAAARis!

 Keep your granny panties on. That’s more  Arnold Palmer  than I can chug in a a single sitting, but if we are purely going on the price of the car plus the price of gas (at today’s gas prices), we would be paying $3,738 for the privilege of owning the Prius versus the Yaris.

“I don’t care about money,” you bellow, “I only want to save the environment!” Those who truly only care about the environment should off themselves now; it seems like humans contribute greatly to greenhouse emissions no matter what they do. Those who can comprimise slightly by not killing themselves, listen up.

Buy the Yaris. Take that $3,738 and get some energy-efficient appliances, caulk your crevices, and get a digital thermostat. Buy a cat from the shelter.

Sure, the Yaris will not have electric windows standard, heated mirrors, front and rear parking assist, standard in-dash CD, standard AM/FM radio (!), 2 more speakers, rear disc brakes, telescoping wheel, audio and cruise control on the wheel, standard remote power door locks, powered adjustable mirrors, or a rear wiper (like the Prius does).

But, that is stuff that will eventually end up in a landfill. And you care about the environment more than  seeing while your backing up in cold weather while listening to a CD and looking out your clean rear window, right?

Right?

You see, I don’t have an iPod. I did, several weeks ago, but it was straight up stolen from my house. No joke. So, I have been thinking about how to replace it. Well, since I don’t really have  $150 to blow on another one (just to see it stolen again), I’ve been considering some alternatives so that, from five feet away at least, I look as though I have money to burn. Here’s the ideas, most expensive to least:

See, even you took a double-take.

1. The iPod Knock-Off:  Found at www.engadget.com, This may be your best choice in replacing it. At half the cost, you can look like a pro from even up close. Even the most investigative Apple aficionados will have trouble distinguishing it from the real thing.

Cost: $77 (or 4200 Phillipine Pesos)

The Downsides: A lack of memory, ease of use, warranty, functionability, or resale value. But you’ll look good, and isn’t that really the point?

See how similar they are (with plenty of imagination)?

2. Gameboy As An iPod Classic: The most brilliant point of this is that you don’t have to shell out much cash to get a hold of an old-skool gameboy, you look like you own a newer and more expensive electronic object, and you get to play some sweet Mario games. There are many ways to go about this. You could paint your Gameboy white and tape on some earbuds; that would make it a Ten Foot Fix. The best, but more difficult option, is convincing people you have this cover for your iPhone so that it just looks like an old-skool (yes, it is spelled that way) Gameboy. Besides, those Gameboys are a heck of a lot more resistant to bombing than iPods.

Cost: $10, when coupled with the earbuds, and paint. And then a few cents at any given yard sale for the games.

Downsides: Hardly any. You can still listen to music, albeit, only classic Nintendo game songs, but what is wrong with that? On the upside, you can play games for about the price of their iPhone app equivelants.

If this dude looks sad, it might be because he's not listening to any music. Found here.

3. Headphones Running From Your Pants Pocket To Your Ears: By far the cheapest route in getting your friends to think you posess a decent mp3 player. iPods are so small now that no-one is really going to notice if you have anything in your pocket or not. Of course, to get the genuine Steve Jobs look, it takes genuine headphones. Then again, those things suck so bad that everyone replaces them with decent headphones or earbuds. It is really up to you which ones you get.

Cost: $3.50

Downsides: Yeah, you don’t really get to listen to music, and the original earbuds are so uncomfortable no one wants to wear them when they do get to listen to music. And if someone asks you what you are listening to, it is hard to make up stuff. It is even harder to show them the cover art.

I promise tomorrow’s post isn’t going to be a list! I just happen to be in the habit with lists right now. I’ll snap out of it. 1. I’ll start my blog. 2. I won’t write a list. 3. You all will be happy. Perhaps a review of a website will be in order.

These shoes are cool, and an important status symbol to some people. But how important are they to you?

Right now, I am going to tell you how to retire rich. I am not getting anything out of telling you this, and it is simple math, but hold on tight, ’cause this is going to be one wild ride. I promise.

There are literally a million ways we can save money in different areas of our lives. When we factor together all of the little choices we make on a day-to-day basis; that is how we spend our money, and ultimately, live our lives. From saying yes or no to upsizing your drink at the local cinema, to deciding which lender to go with when buying a house; these decisions dictate how much money we spend and how much we ultimately have. This particular post is one of serious nature, should be taken as so, and for everyone living paycheck-to-paycheck, this is especially for you.

I will give an example, as I often do, that accurately portrays this broad concept on a local level. Here’s the hypothetical situation that will affect your life drastically: you’ve worn down your last pair of shoes, and your on the hunt for some new ones. You are thinking about several options, all of which have their pros and cons. Let’s say your just going to go with some standard sneakers. You have the option of getting Air Jordans or even these Nike sneakers, that they only made 40 of, with an estimated resale value of $1000 or more. Realistically, however, you have narrowed your choice down to some Air Jordans from Foot Locker for $159.99 or some Dunkman Game Time by Shaq treads sold at Payless for $29.99. Real shoes, real prices.

Let’s pretend you get those Shaq shoes instead of the Air Jordans, which although you really want you just don’t need, and save yourself $130. That is a lot of money, right? You could use that to pay a little of your rent, or have a few nights out with friends. Already, your on a roll as far as your decision-making is concerned. However, let’s say you invest that…I know, in todays market, that is pretty much a dirty word, but time and time again investing has been proven the best method to get a return on your money without any real work involved.

So, you take that $130 and you put it in, let’s say, a hedge fund that earns 8% over the long term. Not bad, so you’ve just made about $10 your first year. That is a meal for two at McDonalds! For fun, however, let’s just say you keep it in there since you were 20 and you’re approaching retirement at 65. How much did your $130 earn you in that time?

It is more than you probably think it is, and I’m going to tell you, I promise, but let’s add a little fun to it. Ok, so you bought your shoes, but let’s say that every year you buy new Shaq shoes instead of Air Jordans and save yourself $130 every year. That’s really good, but let’s say you invest that money in the same place as well. At your retirement party at 65, somebody comes up to you and says “Hey, what happened to your Air Jordan money, did you save it, invest it, or did you buy 45 years worth of worn-out old-fashioned shoes? I did some math, and if you saved it without interest, you’d have $5,850 by now!” You say that you invested it, but you haven’t checked it since then. You knew it was making about 8% every year, but now you go over to a computer and you look while your chowing down on your retirement cake. How much did you make?

$58,415.05.

That is a difference of $52,565.05 between just saving the money under a mattress and investing it. If you had even just socked away $130 that first year and never put any more money in, you would have $4,149.66. Still a great return on your original investment.

And that is just shoes.

$58,415.05

Just shoes.

Think about it.

Now let's not judge a movie by it's poster. This might actually turn out to be a bad B-movie. Found at www.dreadcentral.com!

There are about six ways to Sunday to get your movie fix nowadays. Here’s a short rundown: Netflix, Blockbuster, Hulu, Kazaa, Youtube, iTunes, TiVo, Pay-Per-View, HBO, TV movies, Redbox, DVD’s, Blu-Ray, Quicktime, Windows Media Player, Torrents, and even the good ol’ fashioned VHS. Also, if you just have to watch a movie when it first comes out, and you do so under the strict assurance that I think it is highway robbery; by all means go watch it in the theater. Just to let you know, the John Tesh radio show said that theater popcorn is more expensive than filet mignon ounce for ounce. Just sayin’.

I guess the only thing you don’t have to worry about is HD DVD. Except, of course, if you actually bought a player. Now is the time to put it in storage right beside the Betamax.

So, what is a cash-strapped individual to do? You want, no, need to get that movie fix…I mean, they recently came out with a totally, completely Oscar-worthy direct-to-DVD movie starring Stephen Baldwin (yes, that Baldwin family) and Vanessa Johansson (yes, that Johansson family) called “Sharks in Venice”, so how are you gonna get your grimy hands on it? This is not a fictional film that I am making up. Truth is much stranger than fiction, my friend.

There are many ways to get a movie cheaply and, I suppose if it is important to you, legally. The absolute, number one way to get a free movie is this: bum one off of a friend. If you have no friends, then a co-worker or a member of your religious congregation of choice.

If you don’t have any friends, are out of work, and are an atheist, then there are other ways to get free movies. Hulu comes to mind. And let me tell you, we most certainly are not aliens that want to eat your, mmm, tasty rotting brain-flesh. If your not familiar with www.hulu.com, become familiar. It will become your sustenance for the next few days, I can guarantee it. You can watch free TV shows, and recently, they started adding somewhat decent older movies (like Robocop, for example). I must remind my loyal readers that most of the time, watching syndicated movies on Youtube, through Kazaa, in downloadable Torrents, and in other user-sharing applications are not really all that legal, or moral. But hey, if you like jail and hate God, be my guest.

Ok, so, you don’t have any friends and your internet connection is slow. I can still help you out, although you are running out of the cheaper options. Although Blockbuster is pretty much on the rocks, they still are offering some great deals. You can get an older movie for a buck a night, and new releases for two dollars the first night, followed by a dollar a night after that. However, if you don’t feel like signing up with a company that is on the verge of going down the tubes, there is always Redbox, if it is available in your town. For the unfamiliar, it is a system where you can get a movie out of a kiosk and keep it for as long as you want for $1 a day. Good if you plan on returning it the next day, bad if you lose the movie. Another great renting option, of course, is Netflix. If you don’t know what that is, let me tell you, we are in a deep recession and some guy with the middle name Hussein is our President. Welcome to the world.

Alright, so basically, what we have left for “cheap” options is watching movies on nights on your cable, or, free new digital television that you can get with a digital tuner. Remember, the digital transition was supposed to happen in February. But, to make it simple for the simpler folks, the deadline for all-digital transmission was changed to sometime in June, but some people are changing earlier, but you shouldn’t worry about it until June, unless you want to have some stations that are digital earlier, then you should get a coupon that takes 2 to 6 weeks to deliver and then you can go down to the store now and get one for $40 less and you can go home and plug in the standard TV, and you have to attach it to your antennae that you already have unless you want really good reception in which you’ll need a newfangled digital-optimized antennae, and if you have an HDTV or if you bought a regular TV of a certain size after sometime in 2006 you already have a digital tuner inside it, in which you won’t need another one, because you already have a tuner inside your television but don’t open it up and look ’cause there is a high risk for electric shock. Aren’t you glad they made it easier for us?

Ahem. I’m sorry for that little rant. I’m going back on topic now. You can watch movies for free on TV if you want, and even download them onto a DVR. The most popular example of a DVR that I know of is TiVo, but what most people don’t know is that, with the right software, you can turn your computer into a Digital Video Recorder for without a hefty monthly fee. So, now you can watch free movies any time you want. And nothing is sweeter than that, except if you had friends to bum some off of, of course.

We have weird values. Che Guevara, a socialist revolutionary, had a lock of his hair cut off that sold for $100,000. It was bought by a 61 year old Texan book-store owner. A good demographic to go for when selling your hair.

However, and this is new to me, you don’t have to be semi-famous or even dead to get some cash from your cowlick. There are sites out there whose sole purpose is to help people sell their strands. I especially like the descriptions, which could be construed at first as advertising for something other than hair: “13 to 14 inch thick, strong, black, beautiful…hair”. I won’t even get into the ads that talk about girth. I kid you not. Some even go as far as to describe their hair as “virgin”, which in hair-selling speak, means untouched by chemicals and the like.

You may be asking yourself where all this hair is going. Are there some really wacky people out there that want to make human hair Afghans? Probably, but most of this hair is going into wigs; apparently we could land on the moon forty years ago but we haven’t found out how to make decent fake hair. It can’t be from a lack of trying, with real people’s hair going for up to $2600. With that kind of dinero, you’d think they’d be pouring money into fake hair research, or at least hair growing research.

It doesn’t stop there, either. People are selling DVD’s of their hair being cut for upwards of $30 a piece. Who wants a video of that? “Hey hon, c’mere, I got a great video today, let’s watch.” These are the sorts fo things that cause divorce. However, as strange and creepy as this hair-selling business can get, I still can’t condone it.

Why? Because of my loyal blog readers. You need money, and you need to look good. Let your hair grow out for a few years, don’t use harsh chemicals on it, sell it for thousands of dollars, and then tell everyone you donated it to Locks of Love.

If you have a conscience, you could always actually donate your hair to that great organization. There’s always the DVD sales.

Whoa nelly! If you are thinking I’m leading you to buy a new car or keep the car you have with it’s payments, you are reading the completely wrong blog. You can afford it…but why try? Here you are, turning your ketchup bottles upside down for a month to get that last little bit, and you have a car payment?

Some simple math to put it in perspective:

$300 a month, every month, every year, until your 70, from when your 20.

By your 70th birthday (Congratulations, baldy!) you will have spent $300,000. And face it, in fifty years, due to inflation, $300 isn’t going to buy jack crap when it comes to cars. However, LLotC isn’t about living frugally, it is about living the high life without anyone knowing you aren’t spending that much.

So, you still want a bangin’ car, right? Here’s an idea. Get an awesome car new and drive the wheels off of it. This guy has a 1966 Volvo P1800 that has 2.6 million miles on it, and he is still tooling around in it. I can guess that he dislikes car payments. For giggles, I figured out that if you bought a new one for $3,970 and stretched the payments out from 1966 to 2009 (at 0%, because of your assumed excellent credit), you would be paying roughly $7.69 a month.

I’ll let that sink in. For less than your Netflix bill, for less than a bi-weekly meal at McDonald’s, for less than your damn monthly dog food allowance, you could be cruising around in your own classic car. Of course, you have to wait a long time in order for your new car to become a classic. You would have to endure those strange ‘between years’ when your car is too old to be new and too young to be classic, and everyone thinks you shop at the local Thriftko. The fact that you actually do shop at the local Thriftko has nothing to do with it.

Besides, do you really want to death-to-us-part with a car? What happens if the next year’s model gets two mpg’s better on the highway, or even, gasp, a soda-can Chill Zone? You’ll be left out in the cold (and your pop will be left inside in the warm) with your silly previous-year model. Or, even, what happens when the new lithium-powered hybrid-turbo’d diesel hydrogen heli-cars come out, and your stuck circling the city trying to find a Exxon-Mobil station without tree-hugging hippies out front protesting the last of the dead-dino sipping cars that are left on our sorry piece of planet?

This leads me to my next thought, and the one I adhere to religiously. Be sensible, try and find that car that apexes on quality, amount of miles, versatility, frugality, age, and because you are living largely, awesomeness. Example A, I have a 1996 Dodge Neon that had 108,000 miles on it when I scooped it up for $850 out the door. That has great value, but it is lacking in the awesomeness factor. So, I slapped on the AWD sign. While it will never be as cool as a new Lamborghini (which, strangly, doesn’t need a freakin’ “Chill Zone” to be desirable), I do try to keep it clean.

There are many more options out there if you are really looking to up the ante on the “awesomeness” factor. I will be telling them to you tomorrow on this two-part series.

Until then, I guess you could always walk.

Of course, when the panhandler is wearing Jordans, the cat is out of the bag. They say that up to 70% of the people on the street that are panhandling are not really in the situations that they say they are, and they can make as much as $50 bucks an hour. They go on to suggest giving to charities or soup kitchens rather than risking giving money to fakes, so follow my advice and hope others don’t follow their’s. This is a big slice o’ pie that you could be mining! Or, a big mine that you could be eating.

The essentials to start are slim: a piece of cardboard (try to find the most raggedy piece you can find), a marker, some raggedy clothes, and a bottle of water. This is all to be included in my Jared’s Panhandling Franchise-Made-Easy Kit, soon available at your favorite local panhandling supply store. If you get the Rags-to-Riches Edition, I’ll include a 100% wool stocking cap, available in Freeloader Fuchsia or Bluffing Bum Beige. In some places, you will also have to apply for a panhandling license. In order to do so, you might have to prove you are homeless. You can do this easily by telling them you don’t have a permanent address. Other places that require a license also require you to have a permanent address. In this case, tell them that that is the dumbest thing you have ever heard and leave in a huff. Once you do procure the license, if you have to, make sure you follow the rules or else there is a slight chance of being jailed. Then, find a busy traffic corner or sidewalk and sit and wait. If you are good at acting, pretend like you are crying or something. I’ve found that people are more sympathetic if you are not wearing shoes or have a deformity, real or made up. Don’t go out and chop off your arm, but if you want to tape a mammary for the ‘breast cancer’ look, be my guest.

Alan Abel, a famous hoaxster, once started a hoax that there was a school to educate people on how to become beggars called Omar’s School for Beggars. It was a satire on the economy’s downturn at the time. If he ever stopped making money hoaxing, getting a job would be a real chore. “Why did I leave my last job? Everything I was involved with turned out to be a hoax.” Anyway, he wasn’t too far off of the mark when it comes to begging. There is actually money to be had panhandling!

Also, you don’t have to let the neighbor’s know. Get a nice suit, go out to your car at 7:00 a.m. every morning to get ahead of the morning rush, change in the car, beg for a couple of hours, and come home. If they ask, just say you work for H&R Block, and “there’s not much to do until April”. That way you can get the cash without tainting your reputation.

Also, please, don’t use a sign that says “Need money for alcohol, drugs, and hookers. Hey, at least I’m being honest.” That’s just tacky.