Free free free!

Ok, so by now if you are a regular reader, you would have figured out that I like Craigslist. A lot. If gay marriage were legal, I would marry Craig and the List would be our baby. If you have been living under a wifi-less rock for the past ten years, here’s the update. www.craigslist.com is the best thing since Sonny met Cher, and here is the number one reason why:

Free stuff. Where else can you power up your internets and find a 4000 gallon fish tank for free, in your neighborhood? That’s right! Imagine the social ramifications:

“Hey, want to go out sometime?”

“No.”

“I have a 4000 gallon fish tank.”

“What?”

“I have a 50 lb. koi.”

“If you let me see your koi, can I pay for dinner?”

See! It is like having a personal social training coach (a la “Hitch”) for free. And, I have to say, “let me see your koi” holds plenty of promise for how the date is going to go. Anyway, I found that fish tank after literally seconds of searching. If you put a little bit of effort into it, you might be able to find something even better, however unlikely that may seem.

Here’s my secret methods for cruising the free section:

• Ignore curb alerts. Contrary to popular opinion, you really CAN have too many slightly dog-eared fiberboard entertainment centers.

• Mattresses that are free are not a good deal. The risk of contracting a disease through the exchange of bodily fluids far outweighs the danger of acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor.

• If the entire title is in bold, or there are more than 1 “FREE” in the title, then they are trying to dispose of something that is illegal or worth less than nothing, or both.

• Don’t get free food. See “Mattresses”; replace “acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor” with “death by starvation”.

• If you have a smallish house and little willpower, it may be a good idea to avoid the free section altogether.

• Avoid any service that is promised to be performed for free. That is more fishy than a 4000 gallon fish tank. Just…don’t.

Well, enough with what not to do. Here are some more great things I found on the free section:

Free piano!

Intellivision II non-functional gaming console without cords!

Corded phone! For free, can you believe it?!?

1 lb. of Potatoes!

Alright! I think I can set you free out in to the Craigslist “Free Section” world without worrying too much about you! By the way…I saw that free fish tank first, so back off.