Free free free!

Ok, so by now if you are a regular reader, you would have figured out that I like Craigslist. A lot. If gay marriage were legal, I would marry Craig and the List would be our baby. If you have been living under a wifi-less rock for the past ten years, here’s the update. www.craigslist.com is the best thing since Sonny met Cher, and here is the number one reason why:

Free stuff. Where else can you power up your internets and find a 4000 gallon fish tank for free, in your neighborhood? That’s right! Imagine the social ramifications:

“Hey, want to go out sometime?”

“No.”

“I have a 4000 gallon fish tank.”

“What?”

“I have a 50 lb. koi.”

“If you let me see your koi, can I pay for dinner?”

See! It is like having a personal social training coach (a la “Hitch”) for free. And, I have to say, “let me see your koi” holds plenty of promise for how the date is going to go. Anyway, I found that fish tank after literally seconds of searching. If you put a little bit of effort into it, you might be able to find something even better, however unlikely that may seem.

Here’s my secret methods for cruising the free section:

• Ignore curb alerts. Contrary to popular opinion, you really CAN have too many slightly dog-eared fiberboard entertainment centers.

• Mattresses that are free are not a good deal. The risk of contracting a disease through the exchange of bodily fluids far outweighs the danger of acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor.

• If the entire title is in bold, or there are more than 1 “FREE” in the title, then they are trying to dispose of something that is illegal or worth less than nothing, or both.

• Don’t get free food. See “Mattresses”; replace “acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor” with “death by starvation”.

• If you have a smallish house and little willpower, it may be a good idea to avoid the free section altogether.

• Avoid any service that is promised to be performed for free. That is more fishy than a 4000 gallon fish tank. Just…don’t.

Well, enough with what not to do. Here are some more great things I found on the free section:

Free piano!

Intellivision II non-functional gaming console without cords!

Corded phone! For free, can you believe it?!?

1 lb. of Potatoes!

Alright! I think I can set you free out in to the Craigslist “Free Section” world without worrying too much about you! By the way…I saw that free fish tank first, so back off.

Now let's not judge a movie by it's poster. This might actually turn out to be a bad B-movie. Found at www.dreadcentral.com!

There are about six ways to Sunday to get your movie fix nowadays. Here’s a short rundown: Netflix, Blockbuster, Hulu, Kazaa, Youtube, iTunes, TiVo, Pay-Per-View, HBO, TV movies, Redbox, DVD’s, Blu-Ray, Quicktime, Windows Media Player, Torrents, and even the good ol’ fashioned VHS. Also, if you just have to watch a movie when it first comes out, and you do so under the strict assurance that I think it is highway robbery; by all means go watch it in the theater. Just to let you know, the John Tesh radio show said that theater popcorn is more expensive than filet mignon ounce for ounce. Just sayin’.

I guess the only thing you don’t have to worry about is HD DVD. Except, of course, if you actually bought a player. Now is the time to put it in storage right beside the Betamax.

So, what is a cash-strapped individual to do? You want, no, need to get that movie fix…I mean, they recently came out with a totally, completely Oscar-worthy direct-to-DVD movie starring Stephen Baldwin (yes, that Baldwin family) and Vanessa Johansson (yes, that Johansson family) called “Sharks in Venice”, so how are you gonna get your grimy hands on it? This is not a fictional film that I am making up. Truth is much stranger than fiction, my friend.

There are many ways to get a movie cheaply and, I suppose if it is important to you, legally. The absolute, number one way to get a free movie is this: bum one off of a friend. If you have no friends, then a co-worker or a member of your religious congregation of choice.

If you don’t have any friends, are out of work, and are an atheist, then there are other ways to get free movies. Hulu comes to mind. And let me tell you, we most certainly are not aliens that want to eat your, mmm, tasty rotting brain-flesh. If your not familiar with www.hulu.com, become familiar. It will become your sustenance for the next few days, I can guarantee it. You can watch free TV shows, and recently, they started adding somewhat decent older movies (like Robocop, for example). I must remind my loyal readers that most of the time, watching syndicated movies on Youtube, through Kazaa, in downloadable Torrents, and in other user-sharing applications are not really all that legal, or moral. But hey, if you like jail and hate God, be my guest.

Ok, so, you don’t have any friends and your internet connection is slow. I can still help you out, although you are running out of the cheaper options. Although Blockbuster is pretty much on the rocks, they still are offering some great deals. You can get an older movie for a buck a night, and new releases for two dollars the first night, followed by a dollar a night after that. However, if you don’t feel like signing up with a company that is on the verge of going down the tubes, there is always Redbox, if it is available in your town. For the unfamiliar, it is a system where you can get a movie out of a kiosk and keep it for as long as you want for $1 a day. Good if you plan on returning it the next day, bad if you lose the movie. Another great renting option, of course, is Netflix. If you don’t know what that is, let me tell you, we are in a deep recession and some guy with the middle name Hussein is our President. Welcome to the world.

Alright, so basically, what we have left for “cheap” options is watching movies on nights on your cable, or, free new digital television that you can get with a digital tuner. Remember, the digital transition was supposed to happen in February. But, to make it simple for the simpler folks, the deadline for all-digital transmission was changed to sometime in June, but some people are changing earlier, but you shouldn’t worry about it until June, unless you want to have some stations that are digital earlier, then you should get a coupon that takes 2 to 6 weeks to deliver and then you can go down to the store now and get one for $40 less and you can go home and plug in the standard TV, and you have to attach it to your antennae that you already have unless you want really good reception in which you’ll need a newfangled digital-optimized antennae, and if you have an HDTV or if you bought a regular TV of a certain size after sometime in 2006 you already have a digital tuner inside it, in which you won’t need another one, because you already have a tuner inside your television but don’t open it up and look ’cause there is a high risk for electric shock. Aren’t you glad they made it easier for us?

Ahem. I’m sorry for that little rant. I’m going back on topic now. You can watch movies for free on TV if you want, and even download them onto a DVR. The most popular example of a DVR that I know of is TiVo, but what most people don’t know is that, with the right software, you can turn your computer into a Digital Video Recorder for without a hefty monthly fee. So, now you can watch free movies any time you want. And nothing is sweeter than that, except if you had friends to bum some off of, of course.