If you follow my advice, you, too, can have a lawn as amazing as mine.
Got some green grass, or do you have, perchance, a poor plot? If it is the latter, I may be of assistance. You see, great lawns facilitate great people. In order for you house to look good, and ultimately for you to look good, you have to have that patch ‘o grass out front look good. It seems like a minor point, no? However, if your lawn looks like crap compared to the neighbors, they are going to notice. And if they do notice, they will frown down upon you. And if you have a Homeowner’s Association, they will all frown down upon you, too. Lots of frowning going on; it may be good for them, but you probably don’t like getting frowned at.
In order to get a terrific terrace, you need to water it often. If you live in a climate where there is a lot of rainfall, skip to the next paragraph. Ha, suckers, I hate those people that live in climates with lots of rainfall. Anyway, if you live in a dry climate like normal people do, you will need to water it often. While this seems like a great idea at first, don’t go rushing out to grab your watering hose and let the liquid fly hap-hazardly. Wait until dusk, preferably later, when it is cool out and the water won’t evaporate as quickly. Also, in the dark, your neighbor won’t notice that you are hooking up your water hose to his outside spigot. Well, what other way are you going to do this ‘on the cheap’? Water is like liquid gold! Except, of course, that it is worth a whole lot less per ounce. And in order for gold to become liquid, it has to be at a temperature of 1947.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Which would melt the hose, undoubtedly.
Actual picture of my neighbor's spigot ready for suckling.
So, you have your water. That is only one part of lawn care. Another part is feeding your lawn. To keep costs down,it could be useful to know that one study says it is okay to use your own shat on your lawn. Now, apparently, your own feces has some sort of chemical compounds or something that makes it ‘bad’ to use directly on your lawn as it might poison your children, but I think thats a bunch of baloney. Or whatever you ate that day. You put it in there, right? What comes out can’t be toxic. Which brings me to my original point…if you want to feed your lawn, don’t go buying those expensive fertilizers at Walmart (unless you are the CEO, which, by the way, I haven’t heard from yet) when you can use your own excretion. Besides, the Walmart Garden Center is a dangerous place to be.
So, now that you have fed and watered your lawn, your done, right? WRONG. No yard is complete without a ceramic lawn gnome. If you cheap out and get a plastic one, keep the neighbors at least ten feet away. Set up a caution tape perimeter if you have to, your reputation is on the line here. Don’t do something stupid like these guys, this is one purchase you can justify on the ‘ol budget. Eliminate baby formula for a week if you have to. You need a lawn gnome.
For now, keep that up and you should be fine. I might have some more tips on lawns later, but these are the basics.
Just be careful, those lawn gnomes are nasty critters.
Tags: advice, cannabis, excretion, funny, gnome, grass, lawn, lawn care, lawn gnome, stupid, terrace, weed, weed removal, weeds