This comes in later...trust me.

Call me Nostradamus, cause I can predict the future, baby! Or at least the very near present. I was TiVoing through some commercials yesterday, after I wrote my last blog post, and I saw a glimpse of a Mac commercial. Well, I decided I’d watch it and sure enough, Mac is ripping on PC because Microsoft has promised to fix the problems with their last OS on every new OS they make.

Hm…this review of the new Apple ads happened yesterday at 8:30 PM, which was around the time I saw the ads, and those little CNET guys are usually on top of stuff. I wish I could know if I did indeed predict the future or if I was merely ignorant of the present. Well, if the ads did get shown before I wrote my last blog post, I guess I didn’t predict the future. But now, I’m going to make plenty of predictions so I can be right on something in teh future.

 Obama will be re-elected with less of a majority than he had during the first election. He will be running against a white guy who is going to tout that “Not all Republicans are like Bush” at every opportunity. The stock market will drop below 9,000 points again in 2010 when everyone realizes that no new jobs equals no real sustained growth. And lastly, your mother-in-law will  drop some pumpkin pie on her blouse this Thanksgiving.

As for Windows 7, I bet that it will be a gigantic hit with 90% of consumers and businesses alike, and it will have some minor problems that Mac will tout as major ones. 

Enough about that. Here’s some info on how to Live Largely on the Cheap:

I was watching Mythbuster’s the other day, and I saw this great little episode where they were trying to improve a vehicle’s gas mileage by putting golf-ball-like dimples in it to reduce drag. Turns out, it helped 11% at 55 mph. That’s great!

I saw another Mythbuster’s on a completely seperate day where they tried driving behind a semi in order to reduce drag and increase gas mileage. As it turns out, it caused their miles per gallon to increase to 40-odd percent better than without drafting behind a truck!

Now I’ve become obsessed. I’ve been thinking about hundereds of ways to gain gas mileage; everything short of putting the entire nation’s free-way system in a giant vacuum to eliminate air resistance. I would have actually considered it except for the fact that, unless the cars were completely air-tight and pressurized, the drop in pressure and lack of air would be unkind to your body. Ok, so what would help reduce drag, besides golf-ball-like dimples and drafting? Actually, let’s skip drafting because it is dangerous.

In the search to answer my own question, I came across this great site about modding cars to make them more fuel efficient, and they had a lot of great ideas about how to reduce wind resistance. In fact, I’ll just pique your interest and let you take a look for yourself. Keep it cheap and keep it real!

More happy is coming my a**.

Yes, this is Living Largely on the Cheap, so technically I should be showing you how to download Windows 7 for free or something like that (*ahem* I’m sure it will be at www.thepiratebay.org soon enough if you are into doing illegal stuff, *ahem*) However, after much deliberation, I’ve decided instead to show you that you should never buy another Windows product ever again. Stick with Windows XP and save up for a Mac.

First of all, Mac’s commercials are great. You get a subtly geeky holier-than-thou spokesperson bashing down some hopelessly “Office Space”-like character for everyone’s amusement. It’s cheeky and fun. The best part is, Mac doesn’t even use it’s best arsenal. In their latest commercials, they tout that the PC’s are fast and inexpensive, but they get viruses and Macs don’t.

What are you thinking, Mac? Just say “Hey, buddy, remember when you released a decent operating system…in 2001?” 

 ”Hey, PC, isn’t it great how all your new OS’s features are recycled Mac features?”

“Hey, PC, nice tie.”

Compare these wisecracks to Window’s commercials, which are woefully aimed at people who know next to nothing about computers. 4-year-olds, actually. I just love their commercial with that little girl (who’s name is apparently Kylie) who is always making slide shows. Besides the fact that it reeks of 40’s era propoganda, I think it is hilarious that it is portrayed that she made a slide show with quotes she can barely read.

I’m sure it should come off as cute, but when there’s little bunnies and unicorns contrasted with “Windows 7 is…stable, smooth and highly polished,” I worry that perhaps we should be calling child services. Brainwashing children is a crime, right? And then she goes on and on about all these “happy words.” She doesn’t have any idea what they mean, does she? She’s told that these words are happy. They could be showing her the words “sacriligious anti-semetic pervert” and she wouldn’t know the difference.

And on top of all this, I’m sure Windows 7 will blow just as bad as Vista did. So, save some money, stick with your Windows XP and tell the neighbors that you are old school and enjoy your stable OS and Microsoft couldn’t pay you enough to switch, but you don’t want a Mac because…*start mumbling while looking around for a pen*. Then, in your spare time with no one watching, try not to get too much drool in your keyboard as you look up the Macbook Air.

If you can make this, you are bound for the little screen, my friend!

Here’s the set-up: you build this big balloon and put it up in the air, and tell your son Johnny Lou Who to go hide in the attic. Then, you call 911 and claim that your son is in the hot air balloon. The entire nation goes wild, you get on Larry King and the Today show, and it only scars your child for a short time that he has to lie to cover your tracks! If you don’t know what I’m referring to by now, check this site out…

And now that you are up to speed…how will it all end? You’ll likely end up with a television show, of course. The next “Jon & Kate Plus 8″…and you know how happy they turned out. So, here are some thoughts on how to get your new TV career going so you no longer have to visit this site to learn how to live largely on the cheap.

Ok, first up, a classic. Have “in vitro fertilization,” the procedure that landed Octomom on the telly and Jon&Kate Plus 8 up there too. Go for the gusto, though, and try and have something bigger than an octuplet. 10 kids all at once ought to do it. If you feel that may be an issue for your health, you could try to have them naturally and catch up to “17 And Counting”. And if you are a man, that’s no excuse not to give it a try anyway.

This may be more difficult, but if you could become a fallen 90’s pop star, you might get a half-hour spot finding your true love on VH1. If you are not a fallen 90’s pop star, you could always create a Wikipedia page pretending you are. VH1 is probably too busy creating Top 100 lists that they may not catch that you are actually an out-of-work former Enron employee.

This last one is simple. Make up a completely ridiculous and extravegant personality and apply for as many tv shows as possible. You could be a semi-retired assasin hippy who flew to the moon once, and you could be on So You Think You Can Dance, American Idol, and Survivor…all at the same time.

Don’t take it from me. Just turn on the tube sometime and think to yourself: Can I be more ridiculous than those people? If the answer is yes, don’t let me stop you. If you do get on a TV show due to my suggestions and begin making tons of money, I wouldn’t expect any royalties, either. Maybe a shameless plug on national primetime television, but no royalties.

This is just a wax away from perfection

I bought a 1999 Volkswagen Jetta a few days ago. It was less than half of Kelly Blue Book Value, which is a really good deal. The trouble is that it wasn’t running when I bought it. Long story short, it has a broken grill, the bumper is is held on by three screws, the paint is chipping off of the roof, the radio is missing, the cupholders don’t work, it needs a brake light bulb, the badges are missing on the front and the rear…

I think you get the idea. However, it is rust-free, the body is in good condition, the interior is pretty good, it has low miles, and I did get it running with less than $200. So, although not mint, it is actually a pretty solid car that I got for less than half of what a decent example is worth. That’s value!

So, my dear friends, consider doing the same. Although not everyone has great mechanical knowledge, you can still buy vehicles that are outcasts. Bad paint? Who cares, your getting it for cheap!  Missing a radio? That engine sounds great! Bumper held on by three wood screws? Adds a bit of fung shui! And after purchase, you can take your time to fix it up yourself. Throw some paint on there, slap a radio in, and add some more screws to the bumper. What, I was serious about it looking fung shui!

Of course, you don’t want to have the trashiest car on the block, either. It is easy to get around this by fixing up the car yourself, but if you don’t want to have a terrible looking car while you are fixing it up, always arrive at home when it is dark outside and put a car cover on it. This may make it difficult to work on your car, but what’s more important? Your comfort or your reputation?

 After your done, you’ll have a flashy car for cheap that you’ll have just a little bit of blood, sweat, and tears in. Mostly tears. Here’s some tips on how to pick a slightly defective winner:

1. Get something that has low miles. A car with 250,000 miles is not “just broken in” no matter how many Honda ads swear its true.

2. If the problem is cosmetic, know before you buy what you will have to replace and how much each part will cost (including paint). If you can do the “surgery” yourself, you will save a bundle.

3. Getting a vehicle that doesn’t run can pay off if you are pretty good with mechanical work. Search “Mechanic special” on Craigslist and you’ll get a big list of potential winners.

4. A 1993 Toyota Corolla in good condition and a 1996 Lincoln Towncar in bad condition cost about the same. Go for broke, and pick the car that will make you look good.

If you put these ideas to good use, go ahead and leave a comment, maybe put a link in there to a pic of your newfound awesome crappy vehicle!

Free free free!

Ok, so by now if you are a regular reader, you would have figured out that I like Craigslist. A lot. If gay marriage were legal, I would marry Craig and the List would be our baby. If you have been living under a wifi-less rock for the past ten years, here’s the update. www.craigslist.com is the best thing since Sonny met Cher, and here is the number one reason why:

Free stuff. Where else can you power up your internets and find a 4000 gallon fish tank for free, in your neighborhood? That’s right! Imagine the social ramifications:

“Hey, want to go out sometime?”

“No.”

“I have a 4000 gallon fish tank.”

“What?”

“I have a 50 lb. koi.”

“If you let me see your koi, can I pay for dinner?”

See! It is like having a personal social training coach (a la “Hitch”) for free. And, I have to say, “let me see your koi” holds plenty of promise for how the date is going to go. Anyway, I found that fish tank after literally seconds of searching. If you put a little bit of effort into it, you might be able to find something even better, however unlikely that may seem.

Here’s my secret methods for cruising the free section:

• Ignore curb alerts. Contrary to popular opinion, you really CAN have too many slightly dog-eared fiberboard entertainment centers.

• Mattresses that are free are not a good deal. The risk of contracting a disease through the exchange of bodily fluids far outweighs the danger of acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor.

• If the entire title is in bold, or there are more than 1 “FREE” in the title, then they are trying to dispose of something that is illegal or worth less than nothing, or both.

• Don’t get free food. See “Mattresses”; replace “acute sleep-deprivation from snoozing on the floor” with “death by starvation”.

• If you have a smallish house and little willpower, it may be a good idea to avoid the free section altogether.

• Avoid any service that is promised to be performed for free. That is more fishy than a 4000 gallon fish tank. Just…don’t.

Well, enough with what not to do. Here are some more great things I found on the free section:

Free piano!

Intellivision II non-functional gaming console without cords!

Corded phone! For free, can you believe it?!?

1 lb. of Potatoes!

Alright! I think I can set you free out in to the Craigslist “Free Section” world without worrying too much about you! By the way…I saw that free fish tank first, so back off.

 

To buy or not to buy? That is the question!

Um. For $22,000, $9,000 more than Toyota’s entry-level Yaris, you get 22 more mpg in the city and 12 more on the highway. That is a lot better gas mileage, for sure. After the average 200,000 miles the cars will survive,  you will have used about 2,113 more gallons of fuel in the Yaris.

If I were a pirate, I would by the Yaris for the name. The YAAAAARis!

 Keep your granny panties on. That’s more  Arnold Palmer  than I can chug in a a single sitting, but if we are purely going on the price of the car plus the price of gas (at today’s gas prices), we would be paying $3,738 for the privilege of owning the Prius versus the Yaris.

“I don’t care about money,” you bellow, “I only want to save the environment!” Those who truly only care about the environment should off themselves now; it seems like humans contribute greatly to greenhouse emissions no matter what they do. Those who can comprimise slightly by not killing themselves, listen up.

Buy the Yaris. Take that $3,738 and get some energy-efficient appliances, caulk your crevices, and get a digital thermostat. Buy a cat from the shelter.

Sure, the Yaris will not have electric windows standard, heated mirrors, front and rear parking assist, standard in-dash CD, standard AM/FM radio (!), 2 more speakers, rear disc brakes, telescoping wheel, audio and cruise control on the wheel, standard remote power door locks, powered adjustable mirrors, or a rear wiper (like the Prius does).

But, that is stuff that will eventually end up in a landfill. And you care about the environment more than  seeing while your backing up in cold weather while listening to a CD and looking out your clean rear window, right?

Right?

You need to have rims to look good, but you don’t really have the money right now. What are you to do? However good payment plans for your new dubs may sound at first, there are some major downsides. First of all, you run the risk of everyone living in space by the time you pay them off. Next, you will probably pay about three times the cost of them by the time you are done. Then there is the strong possibility that if you fall behind on the payments, you will walk outside to see that your rims were repo’ed and your car is up on blocks.

May I humbly suggest some alternatives. There is always the option of going to Wal-Mart and picking up some hubcaps for the rims you already have. They run about $20 and they don’t look too bad. Then again, everyone will recognize where you got them from and your street cred will be shot.

Your other option is going without rims. Everybody’s doing it. Just take off your hubcaps, leave those nasty black steelies on there, and no one will be the wiser. They will just think you are going after that “rat-rod” look.

Or walk.

Hey, I don’t have a lot of time. The government is after my brain, but here’s a quick tip: make your lawn into a rock garden to save on water, mowing, and maintenence! Plus, neighbor’s dogs don’t like to, you know, on rocks.

You see, I don’t have an iPod. I did, several weeks ago, but it was straight up stolen from my house. No joke. So, I have been thinking about how to replace it. Well, since I don’t really have  $150 to blow on another one (just to see it stolen again), I’ve been considering some alternatives so that, from five feet away at least, I look as though I have money to burn. Here’s the ideas, most expensive to least:

See, even you took a double-take.

1. The iPod Knock-Off:  Found at www.engadget.com, This may be your best choice in replacing it. At half the cost, you can look like a pro from even up close. Even the most investigative Apple aficionados will have trouble distinguishing it from the real thing.

Cost: $77 (or 4200 Phillipine Pesos)

The Downsides: A lack of memory, ease of use, warranty, functionability, or resale value. But you’ll look good, and isn’t that really the point?

See how similar they are (with plenty of imagination)?

2. Gameboy As An iPod Classic: The most brilliant point of this is that you don’t have to shell out much cash to get a hold of an old-skool gameboy, you look like you own a newer and more expensive electronic object, and you get to play some sweet Mario games. There are many ways to go about this. You could paint your Gameboy white and tape on some earbuds; that would make it a Ten Foot Fix. The best, but more difficult option, is convincing people you have this cover for your iPhone so that it just looks like an old-skool (yes, it is spelled that way) Gameboy. Besides, those Gameboys are a heck of a lot more resistant to bombing than iPods.

Cost: $10, when coupled with the earbuds, and paint. And then a few cents at any given yard sale for the games.

Downsides: Hardly any. You can still listen to music, albeit, only classic Nintendo game songs, but what is wrong with that? On the upside, you can play games for about the price of their iPhone app equivelants.

If this dude looks sad, it might be because he's not listening to any music. Found here.

3. Headphones Running From Your Pants Pocket To Your Ears: By far the cheapest route in getting your friends to think you posess a decent mp3 player. iPods are so small now that no-one is really going to notice if you have anything in your pocket or not. Of course, to get the genuine Steve Jobs look, it takes genuine headphones. Then again, those things suck so bad that everyone replaces them with decent headphones or earbuds. It is really up to you which ones you get.

Cost: $3.50

Downsides: Yeah, you don’t really get to listen to music, and the original earbuds are so uncomfortable no one wants to wear them when they do get to listen to music. And if someone asks you what you are listening to, it is hard to make up stuff. It is even harder to show them the cover art.

I promise tomorrow’s post isn’t going to be a list! I just happen to be in the habit with lists right now. I’ll snap out of it. 1. I’ll start my blog. 2. I won’t write a list. 3. You all will be happy. Perhaps a review of a website will be in order.

Rewards programs are not as bad as they seem. Sure the government can track you through their networks and they spam your email with enticing coups for stuff you can’t afford, but every once in a while, at a certain time of year, they are super beneficial. I’ll give a couple of examples to peak your interest:

1. Applebees through Wendy’s, here is a list of restaurants that will give you food on your birthday if you sign up with their rewards program. Boo-ya! I’m sure you could feed the entire homeless population in your hometown if you move between the restaurants quick enough. Free philanthropy! (Found at www.mrcheapstuff.com, I’ll do a review in some upcoming blog!)

2. Local golf places often waive fees on a person’s birthday or the week surrounding it. Since I don’t know where you like to golf, I can’t help you out with any specifics, but here is an example of what your looking for.

3. Disney World and Disneyland in 2009! ‘Nuff said. Hope it didn’t pass you by this year. But a word of warning, you have sign up online here before you go. Don’t just try to show up with your driver’s license, or else they’ll have Mickey kick you out. And the kids don’t want to see that.

4. Hollywood Video lets you rent a movie gratis on your b-day. I’d recommend “Sixteen Candles”.

Alright! Sounds like a full day! If you need any more help in finding some free stuff on your birthday, you can always go to www.birthdayfreebies.com (although you have to sign up with them first) or here is a great article about tips and tricks when using your coups and rewards programs on your birthday. Good luck, and Happy Birthday!

You look like a monkey and you smell like one, too!

P.S. If you don’t have a birthday because you are and alien or because you were born on a leap year or something, here is a great site that goes over some guy’s venture into mailing companies trying to get free stuff. If it helps you click on the link, he wrote this sentence: “My wife watches so much television, I sometimes forget that she’s not physically and permanently attached to my couch.” Good stuff.