Archive for February, 2009

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Go Home to a Lawn Gnome

Friday, February 27th, 2009
If you follow my advice, you, too, can have a lawn as amazing as mine.

If you follow my advice, you, too, can have a lawn as amazing as mine.

Got some green grass, or do you have, perchance, a poor plot? If it is the latter, I may be of assistance. You see, great lawns facilitate great people. In order for you house to look good, and ultimately for you to look good, you have to have that patch ‘o grass out front look good. It seems like a minor point, no? However, if your lawn looks like crap compared to the neighbors, they are going to notice. And if they do notice, they will frown down upon you. And if you have a Homeowner’s Association, they will all frown down upon you, too. Lots of frowning going on; it may be good for them, but you probably don’t like getting frowned at.

In order to get a terrific terrace, you need to water it often. If you live in a climate where there is a lot of rainfall, skip to the next paragraph. Ha, suckers, I hate those people that live in climates with lots of rainfall. Anyway, if you live in a dry climate like normal people do, you will need to water it often. While this seems like a great idea at first, don’t go rushing out to grab your watering hose and let the liquid fly hap-hazardly. Wait until dusk, preferably later, when it is cool out and the water won’t evaporate as quickly. Also, in the dark, your neighbor won’t notice that you are hooking up your water hose to his outside spigot. Well, what other way are you going to do this ‘on the cheap’? Water is like liquid gold! Except, of course, that it is worth a whole lot less per ounce. And in order for gold to become liquid, it has to be at a temperature of 1947.2 degrees Fahrenheit. Which would melt the hose, undoubtedly.

Actual picture of my neighbor's spigot ready for suckling.

Actual picture of my neighbor's spigot ready for suckling.

So, you have your water. That is only one part of lawn care. Another part is feeding your lawn. To keep costs down,it could be useful to know that one study says it is okay to use your own shat on your lawn. Now, apparently, your own feces has some sort of chemical compounds or something that makes it ‘bad’ to use directly on your lawn as it might poison your children, but I think thats a bunch of baloney. Or whatever you ate that day. You put it in there, right? What comes out can’t be toxic. Which brings me to my original point…if you want to feed your lawn, don’t go buying those expensive fertilizers at Walmart (unless you are the CEO, which, by the way, I haven’t heard from yet) when you can use your own excretion. Besides, the Walmart Garden Center is a dangerous place to be.

So, now that you have fed and watered your lawn, your done, right? WRONG. No yard is complete without a ceramic lawn gnome. If you cheap out and get a plastic one, keep the neighbors at least ten feet away. Set up a caution tape perimeter if you have to, your reputation is on the line here. Don’t do something stupid like these guys, this is one purchase you can justify on the ‘ol budget. Eliminate baby formula for a week if you have to. You need a lawn gnome.

For now, keep that up and you should be fine. I might have some more tips on lawns later, but these are the basics.

Just be careful, those lawn gnomes are nasty critters.

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Wanna Prada?

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Knock-offs. In this digital age, they are better than ever. You can get knock-off purses, knock-off gamesystems, and even knock-off cars. Best of all, your neighbors probably won’t even know the difference. They might not even care to investigate. By now, if you have been following my tips and tricks, they think you are the CEO of Wal-Mart. If you actually are the CEO of Wal-Mart, feel free to send some of that cash my way.

Britain has had some TV ads floating around centered around “Knock-off Nigel”, meant to deter people from pirating movies from the internet. That would work fine if your name was Nigel. But I don’t think it is. I bet your something like a Frank or a Cindy. And, as a Frank or a Cindy, you are much more cool buying knock-offs and pirating movies than that Nigel character.

There are many advantages to buying fake stuffs. The obvious, it is cheap. Secondly, you are contributing to worthy causes. Who wants to support those richie riches down at the Prada plant? They’ve already got enough money, selling those over-priced cow-sacks. If you wanted to support the ultra-wealthy, you would pay your taxes.

No, you want to support the underdogs! Hey, they’re just trying to make a living, what are you going to do, swipe it out from underneath them? Knock-offs contribute to 7% of the world economy, that’s more than $350 Billion buckaroos. If you divide that $350 dollars per person in the world, that means there is $50 smackers per person on this planet in fakes. You can’t just pull that income out from underneath people! People gotta eat!

According to the International Chamber of Commerce Counterfeiting Intelligence Bureau (I bet their Christmas parties are a blast!), the U.S. alone ‘loses’ $200 billion dollars a year to counterfeiters. For the U.S., that is roughly $666 per person! That may seem devilish and indicate some sort of ‘evil’ in buying counterfeit, but actually, it rounds up to $667 per person if we say the States have 300 million people. The point of all of this? I don’t know about you, but I haven’t spent nearly $700 dollars last year on fake products. I am not holding up my end of the bargain.

And, if you didn’t spend that much on fake Guccis or knock-off (I would consider the following link ’PG-13′ rated) Male Chastity Belts last year, you’re not doing your part to keep the International Chamber of Commerce Counterfeiting Intelligence Bureau (the ICOCCIB) open. And it is a fine institution, so I hear. Also, every time you see a commercial asking you to sponser a child for $25 bucks a month, just remember: you could have been supporting those children with income they would recieve at the counterfeit plant. There is a chance that you are already buying counterfeit products and you don’t know it. However, you can’t count on this oversight to keep you from contributing at least $600 or $700 to actively seeking them out.

If for some reason your ‘concience’ keeps you from wanting to buy that bag, remember, the Japanese don’t have a problem with it. And, as you may recall, Sweden is in Japan. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but basically, Sweden is cool, counterfeits are cool, and you have to impress the neighbors somehow.

Support America (or whatever country your in), buy counterfeit.

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Pay in Other Currencies!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

“Hey man, can I borrow a buck?” You’ve probably said this and heard it hundreds of times. This is hundreds of dollars that potentially would have changed hands. Whether or not you are saying this or hearing it, it is a solid opportunity to make some cash and look worldly.

Pay in Yen. I’m serious. If you borrow a dollar, and the lender expects money back, when that time comes just say “Oh, I don’t have a dollar. All I have is Yen. Here you go, here is 30 Yen. Your getting 10% interest, you know….” They are not following the currency conversions as closely as you are, so they don’t know you are only paying them back about 30 cents. There are all types of currencies out there, so you can keep your friends guessing. Madagascan Ariary, Serbian Dinars . Aside from being somewhat decent names for bands, they also provide a great escape when making transactions.

Aside from making a few bucks on the side, this little trick also makes you look worldly. “Your paying in the East Caribbean Dollar? You must have had a lot of fun there!” Now, this should be perfectly legal if you are careful. The trading of currency is a funny business; you can trade it with whomever you like for whatever price you both agree on. As soon as your friend, acquaintance, or fiance’s mother agrees with a hesitant “Okay…”, your in! Deal made! You walk out richer and looking good.

If someone, by chance, is actually a day trader and calls you out on it, you can always retort “You didn’t see that the Rai stone has been on the rise since ten this morning? It’s gone through the roof! Plus, ten people died while transporting my Rai stone, that’s got to be worth something.” Then, either leave in a huff, or push the issue further. You might get your way, depending on how much this person really wants you to leave them alone.

I would probably not chance trying this trick in any national chain. They might not laugh it off as much later when they find out what the currency is worth. Come to think of it, your friends and family might have a hard time laughing it off when they find out later, as well. As soon as you start receiving threatening phone calls, you have several choices:

1. You can pretend they have the wrong number.

2. You can tell them it was a gag gift, they’ll get the real cash in a little while.

3. Or you can tell them that what you gave them is going to diversify their investments.

The last choice, I would say, is your best bet. Now, you shouldn’t go around trying to find pictures on the internet of money and printing it off. There are very legit ways to get foreign currency; your favorite banking institution would be your best bet, followed by reputable online companies like this one. I’m totally kidding, that last one is a complete scam-a-roo. I repeat, what I have a link to is bogus, a scam, not worthy, FAIL. Hopefully I don’t get any of those threatening calls I was talking about earlier, now.

So, instead of taking chances with online companies, perhaps your next best bet is to ask anyone who looks foreign if you can trade them money. They may be offended at first, but this is the quickest way to get foreign currencies in your hand.

Just be sure they didn’t read this post first, or you may really be in a pickle.

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Wattage: Human Powered Revolution!

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

A big part of living largely on the cheap is making good use of your electricity. Those watts are expensive; there must be a way to power the big-screen you picked up from the Salvation Army without breaking the bank! One way to do this is to use what you got; you, yourself, are a great source of energy to supplant your use of electricity, or other forms of energy.

This isn’t the Matrix, you can’t just lay down all day and expect to get your money’s worth. You have to work for it! Operating your own hand-powered devices is a great way to start, and I’m not just talking about a hand-powered suction device with a mucus trap and suction catheter for tracheostomy tubes . I’m talking about making use of your muscles to save your electricity usage!

There are literally hundreds of products out there that use hand-cranking power to power flashlights and radios, but I think we can aspire to greater things than that. Like, for example, the human-powered washing machine. This will surely save on your electric bill, and if you don’t have a washer, then you’ll save all those quarters. Besides, what is a more nobler feat than pedaling your way through Dharma & Greg while stuffing your face with Powerbars? You may scoff, but you are thinly disguising your thrift with eco-friendliness.

Oh, you didn’t know? Yes, when your friends or neighbors come over and see a gigantic bicycle/washing machine device taking up most of your living room, you can explain that it is going to save the planet. From the men, this will result in high fives, grunts, and questions about ‘how fast it’ll go’. From the ladies, it will result in much swooning, eyelash fluttering, and questions about ‘if you have a brother’. You will become the toast of the town, save some money, be eco-friendly, and explore your inner Rube Goldberg.

What’s to lose? First of all, your paunch. Besides that, not much. Of course, this depends on how crazy you want to get with the human-powered devices. For example, instead of waiting in rush hour, why not go to work in your own human-powered helicopter? Sure, it may have only got off the ground a few inches for a few seconds, but the potential is there. The average human can create 80 watts continuously if pedaling with their feet. This means, you can power the average T.V., or a few halogen lights. The average family home in New York used 535 kWh a month in 2002, which was low for the national average. That means that it is 535,000 watt-hours. When you are pedaling at a constant rate, you create 80 watt-hours. So, if you pedal constantly all of March (invest in Depends, as you can’t stop for food, sleep, or excretion), you would knock 59,520 watt-hours off your bill! That would only leave you with a 476 kWh bill to contend with. At 16.92 cents a kWh in New York, you would be saving a total of about $10.02. Divided between all 744 hours you were pedaling, you would be saving 0.01 cents an hour. That doesn’t round up.

Depending on who you are, a penny an hour might actually be worth it.

If my math is incorrect, please let me know. I almost failed Algebra…twice.

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Whip Tip: Emblem Awareness!

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

What kind of car you drive says a lot about who you are and what you are all about. A new Volkswagen Beetle? You are hip, cool, sure of your self, and possibly homosexual. A Volvo wagon? You are safety conscious and practical. A Volvo wagon painted Lamborghini orange with metal-flake flames? Safety conscious and practical…and crazy awesome. So, granted, this is a blog that is ultimately about saving money, so I can’t expect you to go out and get a brand-new car to flaunt your inner self. You might have to make do with that hand-me-down beat-up Plymouth Acclaim.

However, there is an amazing way to flaunt what you’ve got. When they came out with your vehicle, they probably came out with several models. Often, the main way to distinguish between them is a letter or number combination after the name of your vehicle. The Dodge Neon SXT, the Toyota Yaris S, the Izuzu GIGA 20 Light Dump.

Whatever you’ve got, it could always be improved with a little alphabetical or numerical bling. Just go to a junkyard and find these emblems, and make up your own for your vehicle. You could add an S, an SE, an X, or any combination of these three letters easily to add some major alpha dog charm to your car. There is always the option of going to the dealership and actually finding a vehicular suffix that was available for your car when it was new, but the dealership is expensive, and they probably won’t let you leave the lot without selling you a new car anyway. Besides, it is always more fun to try and scrounge up your own endings so your car is very unique.

I’ll give you a personal example. My car is a 1996 Dodge Neon AWD. How did it become all-wheel drive? Simple, the letters used to be on a Volvo XC90. Now, I get to tell people that my Dodge Neon was a manufacturer prototype or a former rally car. Create your own backstory to why you have a Volkswagen Jetta 425 Turbo Super Sport! For even more giggles, create a game where you see how long you can keep a straight face while telling the tale of how you bought this car off of a former automotive employee and saved the little experimental gem from being crushed. Hey, if you can keep it up, they may even offer to buy it off you, and then your hard work will have really paid off.

See, doesn't it look able to go over snow and ice?

See, doesn't it look able to go over snow and ice?

Of course, if you want to make do with the emblems you already have, you can just make your car have the “appearance package”. This is fancy talk for taking all your existing emblems and painting them gold. Or blue, or green, or whatever strikes your fancy. The important part is your car is different, and your neighbors will think you got a raise or something.

So, for the cost of a trip to the junkyard or a can of paint, you can make it look like your car was bought for a couple grand more when it was new. And that is priceless. Or a couple thousand dollars, when it was new.

P.S. It is generally not a good idea to include “Light Dump” at the end of your vehicle’s model name. I know I put it as an example, but seriously. Gross.

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